Drowning

"Story/poem mixes" as you call them is narrative poetry. I love this poem. It touches me in a way that you don't know. My life used to be like that and it just touches my heart. I love the depth. Great poem. You have talent.

First off, it's a poem
don't go into the psychology of it because THAT'S NOT THE POINT
second, you totally contradicted yourself by first saying that everyone is normal and then that normal doesnt exist
make up your mind
third

so basically be who you are.
and that is normal thats all I'm saying

ooh and sorry for delving into psychology and philosophy.
I am such a nerd

I hate to say it but you "fear you're becoming normal" we are all normal....
anyone who thinks otherwise is sort of kidding themselves. Sure we are all slightly different and all, but as teens, we pretty much deal with the exact same things.

Thats why teens can always relate to eachother.

so basically be who you are.
and that is normal thats all I'm saying.

also normal is just a concept that the human mind created to seperate things, just as self and them are concepts to seperate things. If you can let go of those concepts, a)you probably will be a lot happier and b) well on your way to Buddhism



I must say, I am glad that you didn't rhyme constantly. It's not neccessary to make a poem sound good, and you pulled that off well.

I differ in opinion from whitewings.
The f's at the beginning are good. There's this term i recently learned in english where the first (I know its not the first, but close) sound the same for effect, and it works well here


I never knew you were so melencholy

First thing I liked it! Secondly I think that you can change some of the lines. For example:

I feel like my individuality is being swallowed whole
and leaving me an obedient clone
I've always wanted to fit in
and to be happy

Wow, I like it! The only thing is that you should have some full stops in the beginning like:

I feel like my individuality is being swallowed whole
and leaving me an obedient clone

I've always wanted to fit in
and to be happy

But now that I feel like it's happening
I am terrified of losing what made me unique

How can my life be so happy,
as my soul is destroyed piece by piece

I find myself always craving more than I have,
I've become addicted to the opium of false happiness

I am drowning in an abyss that I may never surface from

The first thing that I noticed was that it felt like you were talking moreso than the words flowing. Instead try to show us what you're talking about. Also, as much as people say punctuation is meaningless in poetry, it isn't. Now, you've used punctuation but you didn't use it consistently. Which confuses me. You can't have such a long poem and only have a bunch of commas and a couple of question marks. Try a period or semi-colon every now and again. As for the meaning. I liked it. Something that a lot of people can relate to. Now on content:

but what toll must be taken from my soul?

as my soul is destroyed piece by piece

**The repetition of "soul" in these two lines doesn't fit so well in a poem with lack of description. You should find another word like "being" or something...different.

But now that I feel like it's happening

**Change to "But now that it's happening. Don't use to much "I feel" "I...I...I" usually, relating to someone just because they feel a certain way isn't as easy as it seems. If you want to get a deeper reaction out of someone then relate your concept to something other than yourself. Find different ways to start and finish your lines and add variety.

I find myself always craving more than I have,
I've become addicted to the opium of false happiness
I am drowning in an abyss that I may never surface from

**These were my favorite lines. See how you said something simply and yet it came out in poet form? That's what the entire poem should be like.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!

Keep it up!
~Rieda

man. I like it.
It kind of reminds me of myself. I use to want to fit in with people, but then I was afraid to lose my individuality.So now I don't care. I'm who I am,and thats all that counts, but again very nice. I like it.

OI! you're harsh on me cuz you care!
1.Starting with the first and second line, "fear" and the "feel" make the reading a bit awkward. It would be good to tweak it with a synonym for either.
2. The pacing is somewhat off, because of a few things:
a) Some of descriptive words are a slightly long and stringed together, so the lines start to run-on
b) Your lines are becoming too long as they are getting wordy, thus some of the lines get cut off at inappropriate sections
c) Last of all, the three questions in the middle is a main disruption. It could work if it was at the very end OR the last part of the poem was a more definitive ending, (ie: a significant change) In order to specifically answer the questions.

Not too bad as poems go, but.... i'll call you when you get bak from florida if you like

wow!! thats good!! love it!!

ttyl

Ringettegirl!!
(Jess)